The Archives

Crack Cocaine as a Medium of Exchange
17 May 2013 12:16 pm Dave Blount

If we continue to let liberals run the country, there is little doubt that our currency will soon become worthless, as our rulers will continue to print it and spend it far faster than we can generate wealth for it to represent. What will we use for transactions? Once again Detroit — America’s most liberal city — lights the way to our Hopey Changey future:
It started as a counterfeiting case, but investigators say they found much more at the Big C Tire Shop on Detroit’s east side.
It sounded good at …

Barack Obama Is Now Apparently Hiring Alien Shape Shifters As Security
22 Mar 2013 5:07 am John Hawkins

Hey, Barack Obama, it’s time to put America first. Actually, scratch that; How about just putting HUMAN BEINGS first. Scratch that, how about just putting creatures native to our planet first and hiring actual HUMAN BEINGS from America instead of space aliens? Is that too much to ask? Apparently, according to some geniuses on the interwebs, it is and Barack Obama has now stooped to hiring SPACE ALIENS.

Having been around some Secret Service agents on duty, I can tell you that they look ready to do violence to anyone nearby …

ZERO EFFECT: The Unintentionally Hilarious Trailer for Pro-Obama Movie
13 Jul 2012 7:30 am Matt Vespa

It’s Friday, so what better way to kick off the weekend than a hilarious trailer promoting an over-the-top pro-Obama movie. Judging by the 2:30-long trailer for The Obama Effect, the movie, set in 2008, is the fictional account of a man named John (played by Charles S. Dutton) who suffers a heart attack and discovers he’s spared death because he has a mission from God: campaigning for Barack Obama. No, I’m serious. The promoters of the film cast it as a comedy, but it’s NOT a satire. It really …

Going This Nuts Over A Spider Gets Your Mancard Permanently Pulled
14 Jun 2012 8:40 am John Hawkins

If a woman spots a spider and alerts you of its existence by shrieking, “Oooh! Spider! ACKKKK! Get it, get it, get it, get,” it’s your job as a man to take care of it for her. Seriously, that’s a rule. This is not the correct way for a man to handle that situation.
A southern Illinois man awakened to find a spider in his bed, and in a panic, ran through a glass door outside his home, police told FoxNews.com.
The man’s identity was not released, but the 20-year-old was apparently …

For Future Generations: The Zombie Outbreak Started In Miami, Florida.
29 May 2012 6:16 am John Hawkins

Isn’t this how zombie movies always seem to start?
The naked Miami man who was shot dead after allegedly being found eating another man’s face in a drug-induced rage has been identified.
Oh, so the guy was filled with “rage” and he was eating another person in broad daylight? That ring any bells?
British animal liberation activists break into a laboratory in Cambridge and are caught by a scientist while trying to free some chimpanzees being used for medical research. Despite the warnings of the chief scientist that the chimps are infected with …

If Only Ann Landers Had Lived Long Enough To Give Advice About Gay Twin Incest
20 Feb 2012 6:09 am John Hawkins

Apparently Slate has some chick named Emily Yoffe who gives advice and as you’d expect, since she’s at Slate, she’s kind of a moron. On the other hand, what does anyone say to this?
Dear Prudence,
My fraternal twin and I (both men) are in our late 30s. We were always extremely close and shared a bedroom growing up. When we were 12 we gradually started experimenting sexually with each other. After a couple of years, we realized we had fallen in love. Of course we felt guilty and ashamed, and we …

The Story Is A Metaphor For What’s Wrong With America Today
20 Oct 2011 6:51 am John Hawkins

From electing Obama, to the Occupy Wall Street protests, to our huge, overweening government, it all stems from the same problem.
The California man who lives part of his life as an “adult baby” and collects Social Security disability payments says the federal agency has cleared him of wrongdoing and will continue sending checks.
Stanley Thornton Jr. now wants an apology from Sen. Tom Coburn, the Oklahoma Republican who called for the benefit review because the investigation disrupted the final months of life for his roommate Sandra Dias, who playacted as …

Squatter Gets $300,000 Home for $16
21 Jul 2011 2:52 pm Dave Blount

Working hard to pay off an underwater mortgage? I am — but Kenneth Robinson sure isn’t. Due to one of the many screwball quirks that characterize our legal system, he has achieved ownership of a $300,000 home in Flower Mound, Texas for $16.
The house had been in foreclosure for more than a year and its owner walked away. Then, the mortgage company went bust. … Mr Robinson used the obscure law ‘adverse possession’, filled out some paperwork costing just $16, and moved some of his belongings into the home.
Under the …

Self-Mutilating Inmate Demands Free Sex Change
8 Jun 2011 2:47 pm Dave Blount

Remember Stanley Thornton, the “adult baby” who spends his days wallowing in an oversized crib and soiling his diapers on the taxpayers’ dime, and who threatened to kill himself if Big Government cuts off the flow of other people’s money? Convict Ophelia De’lonta has issued a still more disturbing threat. The inmate at Buckingham Correctional Center in Dillwyn, Virginia is suing the state to provide him with a sexual mutilation procedure at public expense. He says if he doesn’t get his way, he’ll keep trying to castrate himself:
Ophelia De’lonta, 50, …

Progressive Parents Raise Genderless Baby
23 May 2011 1:16 pm Dave Blount

What moonbattery has done to politics, art, music, and most every other facet of Western Civilization it is also doing to parenting. Kathy Witterick and her husband David Stocker are taking the next progressive step into our deconstructed postmodern future by raising a genderless child:
While there’s nothing ambiguous about Storm’s genitalia, they aren’t telling anyone whether their third child is a boy or a girl.
The only people who know are Storm’s brothers, Jazz, 5, and Kio, 2, a close family friend and the two midwives who helped deliver the …

Calling Pets “Pets” Is a Thought Crime
28 Apr 2011 1:45 pm Dave Blount

It’s time for a new edition of the Newspeak dictionary. According to the pointy-headed circus clowns who pass down surrealist moral judgments from atop their ivory towers, our current vocabulary oppresses animals:
Animal lovers should stop calling their furry or feathered friends “pets” because the term is insulting, leading academics claim.
Domestic dogs, cats, hamsters or budgerigars should be rebranded as “companion animals” while owners should be known as “human carers”, they insist.
Other forbidden terms include “critters” and “beasts.” Pet owners are not to be referred to as “owners,” because this “harks …

Fish Rescued From Global Warming by Llamas and British Taxpayers
25 Apr 2011 2:20 pm Dave Blount

Just because there hasn’t been any “global warming” since the 1990s is no reason not to carry fish by llama into the mountains where they’ll be safe from it. From the moonbattery-ravaged farce we once knew as Great Britain:
Thousands of rare fish have been given a lift up a mountain on the back of llamas in an extraordinary move, led by the Environment Agency, to help the species survive climate change.
The endangered vendace, that has been in Britain since the Ice Age, is in danger of dying out as lakes …

Great Moments In Multi-Culturalism: The Saudi Black Magic Edition
6 Apr 2011 4:17 am John Hawkins

Wow, who’d have ever thought a nation famous for tribalism, religious extremism, and their frighteningly backwards attitude towards women would actually have a government agency that deals with black magic?
JEDDAH, (Saudi Arabia): A total of 30 officials of the Commission for the Promotion of Virtue and Prevention of Vice (Haia) have been trained on how to deal with cases of black magic.
The three-day training program was held in the Eastern Province city of Al-Ahsa.
The excerpt goes on, but it was worth stopping here just so you’d pay special attention to …

Hugo Chavez: Capitalism Ended Life on Mars
23 Mar 2011 6:37 pm Dave Blount

No wonder Comrade Obama has essentially pulled the plug on NASA, reducing it to a propaganda ministry devoted to publicizing the ancient scientific achievements of Muslims. He just wanted to stop the genocide. His pal Hugo Chavez reveals that capitalism may have snuffed out life on Mars:
“I have always said, heard, that it would not be strange that there had been civilization on Mars, but maybe capitalism arrived there, imperialism arrived and finished off the planet,” Chavez said in a speech on Tuesday.
So fellow commie Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (D-TX) …

If You Didn’t Want People To Laugh At You, You Shouldn’t Have Become A Witch
7 Mar 2011 3:14 am John Hawkins

This time Charlie Sheen has REALLY done it. What has he done now? He’s made Harry Potter and company mad at him,
In a week in which the embattled actor described himself as having “tiger blood” and other apparently super-human aspects usually found in the pages of comic books, the star described himself as a “Vatican assassin warlock” during a radio show.
The description evidently did not sit well with the witch community in Salem, Mass.
There’s a “witch community” in Salem, Mass of all places? Isn’t that kind of ironic given …

Eco-NutMobile to Tour USA
28 Feb 2011 12:53 pm Dave Blount

Apparently advertisers haven’t gotten the word that most of us have been fed to the teeth with the politically correct eco-craze. The greenwashing of every imaginable product continues. Now Planters wants us to associate eating peanuts with saving the polar bears from their imaginary plight:
A new peanut-shaped NutMobile is the latest in the line of eco-friendly rides. Mr. Peanuts’ new vehicle boasts of being environmentally friendly from its structure to fuel, and to usage of sustainable sources of energy to power lights and radio. …
The NutMobile is a modified version …

Homosexual Brainwashing on the Battlefield in Afghanistan
28 Feb 2011 12:45 pm Dave Blount

Due largely to absurd rules of engagement that tie their hands and a “Commander in Chief” who is uncomfortable with the concept of victory, our troops in Afghanistan have been left hanging in the wind. They aren’t allowed to win, but they can’t come home either, because admitting defeat before the 2012 election would make Obama look bad. But they aren’t dying for nothing. Their presence allows our moonbat rulers to experiment with social engineering conducted on the battlefield:
American combat troops will get sensitivity training directly on the …

Moonbat Romance
14 Feb 2011 1:18 pm Dave Blount

Valentine’s Day is as good a time as any to examine the current state of romance in once great Britain, the canary in the coalmine of moonbattery:
In this day and age, when a thrice-married former fireman who has become a woman meets a Jamaican lesbian chef online there can only be one outcome — wedding bells!
Or, rather, civil partnership bells.
This is 66-year-old Kerry Whybrow, dressed in a full-length custom-made lilac dress, tying the knot for the first time as a woman three years after undergoing a sex change on the …

Snap! Wikileaks Nominated For Nobel Peace Prize
3 Feb 2011 9:23 am William Teach

Well, well, well, it would be interesting if it won. It would join a long list of idiocracy in giving it to Yassar Arafat, Lê ??c Th?, Al Gore and the UN IPCC, Barack Obama, IAEA and Mohammed ElBaradei, Kofi Annan and the UN, and Jimmy Carter.
A Norwegian politician said he has nominated WikiLeaks for a Nobel Peace Prize, citing the website’s contribution to “democracy and freedom of speech” worldwide.
Stortinget parliamentarian Snorre Valen said he nominated WikiLeaks because it has helped “redraw the map of information freedom.”
“Liu …

That Was One Hell Of A Speech You Gave On Salmon Last Night, Mr. Obama…Wait, What?
26 Jan 2011 8:29 am William Teach

Apparently, according to NPR, what people got out of the 2011 State Of The Union Prom was….salmon
Right after President Barack Obama finished his State of the Union address, we asked our listeners to describe his speech in three words. We received responses from more than 4,000 of you. We’ve run them through a word cloud generator and this is what all of you said:

Independents, Republicans, and Democrats all named “salmon” as the number one thing. I wish this was a joke or a spoof site, alas, it …

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