Posts By Author » Unicorn Jones

On Another Note: We Gave More Stuff to People Who Hate Us.
19 May 2013 6:11 pm

Sens. Kelly Ayotte and Richard Blumenthal are currently pushing a bill that seems like such a no-brainer that it raises some serious questions about why there’s a need for actual legislation. It’s called the Never Contract with the Enemy Act and if passed, it would prohibit the U.S. government from granting contracts to foreign countries or entities deemed enemies of the state, like Iran and North Korea.

Because, as you know, although they clearly hate us and threaten to nuke the United States and it’s closest friends on a regular basis, …

Your Non-Plastic Bags Are Killing the Earth, Hippies.
22 Apr 2013 12:23 pm

Ah, it’s Earth Day: the day when millions of unwitting schoolchildren across this country will be brainwashed into believing there really are 50 simple things that can save the Earth from the devastating effects of modern industry, and where high schoolers will be force-fed copies of An Inconvenient Truth while being excoriated on their rampant embraces of consumerism, right before they drive their gas-guzzling SUVs out of the parking lot and to their jobs at rainforest-depleting fast food restaurants.
If only Captain Planet hadn’t been plowed under the massive snowfall we’ve all experienced …

Texas is Very Worried About How You Celebrate Your Beer.
19 Apr 2013 11:36 am

Texas is angling for your gun manufacturers, as every other state in the union moves to prove their allegiance to the President by running gun manufacturers across state lines into “more violent” and “slightly more committed to this outdated ‘freedom’ thing” states. At the same time, however, as it’s expanding that slice of domestic industry, they’ve been sitting on the head of another multi-million-dollar arm of production: the industry that makes the giveaways you can get with your alcohol.

Thankfully, Texas’ legislature is looking to remedy the problem of Texans only …

Texas and Beer: Not As Great a Combination As You Think It Would Be
7 Mar 2013 12:39 pm

Everyone loves Texas. In fact, if there was a state in the union that most people who didn’t even live there would consider themselves a fan of, it would probably be Texas. It’s everything that’s great about America: wide open frontier, simple people who live off the land, a cowboy attitude and the potential to legally own an entire arsenal of weaponry.
Which is why it’s surprising that Texas lawmakers are looking to – potentially – infringe on another, corresponding God-given American right: the right to cheap, regulation free beer.
“Anti-competitive” — …

Obama Possibly Trading Keystone for More Taxes
4 Mar 2013 12:07 pm

Pretty much everyone, including all of the major labor unions, is geeked about the Keystone Pipeline, which would create jobs and improve the United State’s energy independence. But a bunch of hippies hate it, and the hippies vote, probably illegally in seven states, so Barack Obama is totally against it for right now, you guys. The Earth, it matters so much more than rebuilding the American economy by providing needed jobs to skilled and unskilled laborers in states across middle America, and ending the vice grip that backwards Middle Eastern …

Illinois Can’t Even Afford to Pay Lottery Winners.
26 Feb 2013 4:13 pm

A while ago, we told you about how a bush league Illinois bureaucrat – the head of the IL Lottery – was embarking on a tour of the continental United States, exporting Illinois’ unique brand of crazy to other, unwilling states, who not only didn’t listen to his fairy tales about the horrors of privatizing lotteries, they did exactly the opposite of what he said. Because, as it turns out, he was only mad about the lottery thing because he wasn’t part of the private company they hired to run …

Illinois Exporting It’s Unique Brand of Crazy to a Locale Near You
17 Jan 2013 3:20 pm

It’s not like it’s a shock to anyone that Illinois is full of corruption. Heck, of the last seven governors, five spent their twilight years stamping license plates in orange jumpsuits (the governors, not the license plates). Even the low level bureaucrats in Illinois can taste the dream of one day owning the spotlight and a hundred half-witted committeemen.
Recently, the market has been a bit…flooded…in Chicago. With Jesse Jackson, Jr. and his family dominating headlines, what is a wannabe corruptocrat to do? Well, export his special brand of manipulation to …

Russia hits WTO; Congress hits Russia?
28 Aug 2012 1:12 pm

So while everyone has been preoccupied with the is-it-or-isn’t-it hurricane blowing wind at the Gulf Coast (Soledad O’Brien was so terrified of the effects that she went without makeup for her morning report from New Orleans), long-time friend of the United States and its interests, reliable trade partner and human rights paragon Russia has joined the WTO. Because, why wouldn’t the WTO allow in a country who’s primary objective is bringing back a socialist economy based on selling twenty-year old arms to developing nations.
If there’s one thing the world market …

Obama Administration Has Your Drilling, But Wants Your Oceans, Too.
9 Aug 2012 12:49 pm

Remember when that oil rig exploded off of the Gulf of Mexico, giving the Obama Administration the perfect excuse to exercise complete control over our offshore drilling? Yeah, it might not be the top priority going into the campaign, but American drilling has been severely impacted – and continues to be severely impacted by Obama Administration “efforts” to “help” our nation gain “energy independence.” Luckily, despite all of the awesome assistance they’ve been willing to give, the oil and gas industry still manages to keep employing Americans and producing roughly …

Congress is pretty sure you need extra help with your fish
24 Jul 2012 10:46 am

Just in case you were wondering what Congress was doing while you were distracted with Barack Obama attempting to rewrite his own speeches (“I didn’t say that!”), rest assured that they are spending your money with your best interests at heart.
Just kidding. Congress is attempting to implement a costly (read: at least $20 million) program designed to inspect catfish for the safety of the American people.
Actually, just kidding again. Congress has spent $20 million studying whether they should implement a $30 million program that would inspect catfish for $15 million …

Obama Admin Trading Biohazard Preparedness for More “Green Jobs!”
19 Jun 2012 12:02 am

Obviously, by now its’ clear that, while a job in private equity means that Mitt Romney can’t be President, Barack Obama finds his forays into picking winners and losers in the American market a perfectly acceptable use of his time and your money.
His next exciting venture? Biotech! Because who needs precious dollars to prevent and prepare for biohazard attacks when we can use those same taxpayer dollars to give Obama cronies awesome jobs in lefty fields?
Buried deep in a 2010 report from the Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) …

Senate Dems Want Subsidies Defeated – The Wrong Ones.
27 Mar 2012 11:56 am

In the midst of record high gas prices, which threaten the President’s re-election chances more than anything (other than perhaps his decision to sell out our missile defense system to Russia for two cases of vodka and a promise not to attack Canada until we’re ready to invade from the other side), you would think that Senate Democrats wouldn’t be making a tax increase on the oil and gas industries their main focus. Higher taxes on oil and gas companies would necessarily mean higher oil and gas prices, which would, …

Even Dems Think Obama Has a Hand in Rising Gas Prices
7 Mar 2012 2:03 pm

Everyone’s favorite MSNBC’s program, Morning Joe, recently had an interesting debate over President Obama’s calls for increased taxes on oil and gas companies, because if you can’t trust MSNBC to discuss it, who can you trust? Thinking, perhaps, that someone who ran as Obama’s pod-clone, would demonstrate just how Dear Leader planned to rescue all of us from certain gasoline pump doom by creating alternative energies out of thin air, unicorn farts and algae, they welcomed former Congressmen Harold Ford Jr. (D-TN) .
Little did they know, they called on the …

So it turns out a lot of people like the Keystone pipeline
1 Feb 2012 11:34 am

Its sort of fun hammering this home. I have to be honest. Here’s a President who, in his State of the Union speech claims that he is doing everything in his power to ensure that American people – and especially those blue-collar American workers who are so essential to his re-election – are headed back to work after a long and tiresome economic downturn, and then turns around and rejects a $7 billion energy infrastructure project that not only did most of America want, but the unions, who are made …

John Boehner Actually Bests a Union
23 Jan 2012 2:31 pm

There isn’t that much good news these days, so when it happens, you have to give John Boehner credit for not totally screwing up everything he touches. Last week, despite the overwhelming pressure from the Obama Administration to make any and every bill that goes through Congress as union-friendly as possible, Boehner struck a deal with Senate Leader Harry Reid to toughen the rules in place for airline workers and railroad workers that might want to form a union under pressure from national thug bosses.
In other words, the Republicans actually …

Disney Is Not A Fan of Your Freedom to Gamble Unless Its With Them
11 Jan 2012 12:11 pm

Florida is considering a bill right now that would allow people tired of being exposed to giant cartoon mice to instead blow their hard-earned cash on slot machines and table poker games carefully located within pleasant yet confusing environments. Starved for money and unable – or unwilling – to earn it from taxing it’s geriatric population into oblivion, Florida is looking to approve “destination casinos” similar to the ones in Atlantic City or Las Vegas, so that adults who have no desire to spend their money hand over fist in …

Even Obama’s Friends Can’t Stand Him
9 Dec 2011 10:46 am

Back in the early part of this year, Barack Obama called all his friends to the White House in a desperate bid to pick their brains. You see, America doesn’t happen to be gaining jobs. Sure, there was the one jobs report that was kind of awesome because half the country felt so awful about the job market that they totally gave up and just claimed real estate for their cardboard box on the side of the highway, but otherwise, he’s been pretty awful at putting Americans back to work.
When …

Environmentalists Have a Brand New Target: Phone Books
15 Nov 2011 11:02 am

Across this great nation, environmental groups have been waging a war. A long war. A hot war. A war on that great menace to society, that irrepressible environmental monster that tortures our very existence, that tree-wasting behemoth that haunts their very nightmares, that booster seat for short people who drive really big cars: the Yellow Pages.
But learning that about the Yellow Pages takes a bit of research–research that liberal city councils across the country aren’t doing as they undertake a massive war on what they deem not only an irrepressible …

When All Else Fails, Tax the Internet!
9 Nov 2011 12:28 pm

You’ve already taxed cigarettes, bagels, sugar, salt, things that move, things that don’t move, things that move sideways on Thursdays, people who disagree with you and small mammals. So what’s left? Well, why if it isn’t the Internet! There’s something that’s failed to bend to the will of Congress on regular occasions. Some might even say it regularly defeats them.
Which explains why they want to tax and regulate it, naturally.
According to Friday’s post on The Hill’s hilariously named technology blog, Hillicon Valley, that’s the view, at least, of Massachusetts Democrat …

Even Dems Think Obama’s Regulations are Stupid
3 Nov 2011 11:40 am

When you’re trying to help the economy recover, the smartest thing to do would be to make it as easy as possible for Americans to start and run their own small businesses, no? I mean, look, if corporate America isn’t hiring and the government can’t afford the workers it has now, the only option is to help Joe Six-Pack expand his dry cleaning business in the middle of Nebraska, because, let’s face it, he’s the only one actually working in this economy.
But noooooooooooooo.
“When I started the business, I’d very rarely …

TV Ad: Hold Obama Accountable for Benghazi Scandal

Premium Right Ads

Blogads Right

Previous Features

10 Concepts Liberals Talk About Incessantly But Don’t Understand

7 Political Questions for Republicans Who Support Amnesty

25 Examples Of What America Would Be Like If Everyone Was A Liberal

7 Responsibilities You Have As An American

User Info

Features

Archives Best of RWN Humor John Hawkins Interviews Quotes Special to RWN Polling