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Posts By Author » E. M. Zanotti

Illinois Tries to Implement Obamacare Early, But It’s All Just A Tea Party Hoax. Or Something.
  27 Jun 2012     1:26 pm

Illinois is a land of contradictions. We may have birthed Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter, but we’ve been struggling to spit out an elected representative with any semblance of idealistic commitment ever since. We claim to set an example for the nation, but insist on electing dudes whose only expertise is selling favors to supporters over phone lines tapped by the FBI. Yes, we’re a land of accomplishments, but most of those accomplishments are defined by the Model Penal Code.
So, back in January, we apparently decided to change all that. Instead …

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Obama Hearts Occupy Wall Street, Michelle Hearts $3K Dress
  18 Oct 2011     12:01 am

President Obama is embarking on another embarrassing “bus tour of the heartland” wherein he will ride his gigantic, taxpayer-funded million dollar black bus when it’s convenient for press photographers, but board Air Force One and Marine One when it’s most convenient for him. Along the way, he’s promising to deliver folksy speeches to folksy people in folksy towns wearing blue shirts with the sleeves rolled up. He’s expected to vilify Republicans as being the errand boys of Wall Street bankers and express solidarity with the hippies making New York City …

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Christine O’Donnell Is (Shockingly) Kind of Correct
  19 Oct 2010     3:20 pm

This morning, it came to light that Christine O’Donnell may have said something truly outragingly outrageously outrageous at a debate in front of law students in Delware. Naturally, because the media recognizes that she lacks the mental capacity necessary to adopt a liberal outlook or send donation checks to NPR, her observations on the contents of the Constitution sent shockwaves roiling through the lefty blogosphere. How dare she suggest that the Constitution doesn’t actually say there’s a Separation of Church and State!
The exchange came in a debate before an audience …

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George Soros Cuts Off Dems’ Allowance
  11 Oct 2010     8:14 pm

I get the sense, from reading this, that Daddy George Soros lent the Democratic Party his credit card and instead of buying a semester’s worth of books, two school sweatshirts and a medium sized decaf coffee like they were supposed to, they maxed out the card on the political equivalent of hookers and cocaine (which, of course, could still be hookers and cocaine, but we don’t want to make any unnecessary accusations without at least one signed affidavit).
So now daddy’s taking the credit card away.
“And since I didn’t succeed in …

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Could Donald Trump Change the Stakes in 2012?
  5 Oct 2010     8:38 pm

No, not seriously. But The Donald is, at least, considering running for President of the United States on the GOP ticket in 2012.
News broke Monday of a New Hampshire poll asking residents about a possible presidential run by Donald Trump. And although Trump denies having anything to do with the poll, he admitted Tuesday morning that
he’s intrigued.
“I’ve had so many people over the years ask me to do that,” Trump said on MSNBC’s “Morning Joe.” “And for the first time in my life I am absolutely thinking about it. I …

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Levi Johnson Reaches Pinnacle of His Career
  5 Oct 2010     8:36 pm

Now that Bristol Palin has taken the upper hand with mediocre ballroom dancing (you know she’s mediocre, okay? If you’re a fan of Dancing With the Stars, you know it), Levi Johnston clearly feels he needs to reach new plateaus in his burgeoning fall from fame. This would, of course, explain why he is making a somewhat pornographic music video with an artist I – and the world – have never heard of, but looks spectacularly like a post-plastic surgery Real Housewife of New Jersey.
The video, which is set to …

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Peel That Obama Sticker Off!
  27 May 2008     9:58 pm

There’s a reason that many liberals just adore Barack. Americans of the progressive persuasion often enjoy their political beliefs distilled into the simplest form possible — the bumper sticker — and since Obama is limited almost entirely to a single sentence when he attempts to express his political position, the whole thing jives quite well. Barack gets the support of millions of Subaru owners; Subaru owners can express their entire world view in only a four by two sticky square.
That is, of course, if the “cool kids” — and …

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Don’t Be Brokenhearted, Barack, But…
  21 May 2008     2:29 pm

There’s this thing about young voters. Most of them are liberal, mostly because most of them have had limited exposure to national politics, and because most of them get that limited exposure in political science classes taught by people who study political theory for twenty years before they impart their hard-earned wisdom onto our youth, not people who need to use the actual American economy to sustain their existence. Many of “us” (and I use that term loosely) also have a naive yet deeply ingrained need to fit in. The …

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Kung-Fu Election!
  5 Jan 2008     12:28 pm

So you’re, like us, kind of angry that your favorite candidate was defeated last night, right? Its almost impossible not to be angry unless you were a supporter of Obama, or of Mike Huckabee, in which case you probably aren’t reading this because you’re, in any way, “like us.”
But back to the point. If you’re like us, you might have the urge to kick the crap out of another person’s candidate, which is why the Internets proudly present…
Kung-Fu Election where your chosen Presidential nominees fight Mortal Kombat style…to the DEATH.* …

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Hill Needs No Enemies
  5 Jan 2008     12:27 pm

Hillary Clinton has trouble competing in states where she has to run against other Democrats, which is, of course, most of them. But what about a state where she and Dennis Kucinich are the only two on the ballot, where none of the other candidates have even set foot to campaign, and where the governor is a slightly more attractive, Canadian replica of Hillary herself, pantsuits and all?
Yeah, she’s in danger of losing here, too.
There are growing signs that Michigan Democrats could turn out in larger numbers than expected for …

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NASCAR Metaphor Stumps ABC
  21 Nov 2007     4:20 pm

If you’ve never watched a NASCAR race and made the comment that you were surprised the drivers stayed Republican because they make nothing but left turns, you’re not a redneck, probably have never voted Republican in your life and live at least out of the broadcasting range of a country music station (meaning you’re either in the media or live on a coast).
Which would explain why ABC news thought Fred Thompson was eluding to a complex commentary on stock car racing with this:
“It’s like they’re all in training for …

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Say Thank You
  17 Nov 2007     3:09 pm

This Thanksgiving, the Department of Defense is partnering with major cell phone providers so that you can send “thank you” text messages to the troops fighting in Iraq, Afghanistan and around the world. It is called “The Giving Thanks Campaign.”
A couple of seconds of your time, and your kind words will reach American troops free of charge. When you text your message of thanks to “89279″ (TXASY) between November 17th and 22nd, you’ll receive a special thanks in return.
We will all sit down to our dinner on …

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America Hates Rosie O’Donnell
  17 Nov 2007     3:08 pm

You’d think that, by now, that would be obvious to her. She’s just one of those people we’ll continue to tolerate, but secretly hope that they are negotiating to Canada, where they will move, live and die in liberal paradise (likely because of universal health care, but that’s an entirely different can of worms).
We send hints to Rosie. We sent our love week after week through our reviews of the View, and occasionally, we made up our own haiku, in hopes that communicating in her natural language would…you know…get …

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We’re Not The Only Ones!
  13 Oct 2007     12:14 pm

Certainly, its clear by now that Al Gore probably doesn’t intend on challenging Hillary and Obama and that other guy for the Democratic nomination. Not only is it to far into the game, not only is he lacking funds, but eight years under the Other Clinton has probably taught him the problems associated with challenging Hillary on her own turf–namely, small electric kitchen appliances hurling through space toward your head.
But that doesn’t mean that other prominent Democrats can wish on their shooting star that Al Gore would take the reigns …

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A Ringing…er…Endorsement.
  31 Aug 2007     10:13 am

Lately, apathy has set in to the Democratic legions. Edwards is pulling ahead in some polls, presumably because his week-long silence has allowed Hillary and Obama’s incessant insult-flinging to take center stage, reminding the left side of the spectrum that their palette of potential candidates is nearly as disappointing as the Right’s. Currently, their only advantage appears to be their appeal to certain target demographics: women, minorities, and with Edwards, a group of persons who are quite convinced that their fleet of Navigators and stocks of aerosol hairspray are non-dangerous, …

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Also a Defense to Libel? Truth.
  30 Jul 2007     5:08 pm

Luckily, the applied standard for defamation when applied to major media outlets is “actual malice,” meaning that a plaintiff must show that a newspaper intentionally attempted to destroy the credibility and/or image of the public person they’re being accused of maligning. Meaning, of course, that when Cynthia McKinney finally files this suit against the Atlanta Journal Constitution for “making her look crazy” the action will probably be accompanied by a laugh track.
E.M. gossips viciously about politicos at American Princess

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Didn’t Alan Shore Settle This?
  5 Jul 2007     12:12 pm

As Cindy Sheehan has quasi-retired from the limelight, and Al Gore seems to be garnering the press coverage, its no wonder that the anti-war movement has, at least in a populous sense, lost some leverage. Whilst it had been easy to collect thousands of excused students with bongo drums and questionable hygiene to the Capital steps, repetitive exhibitions seems to have worn out their welcome, and it seems only natural that those opposed to the Iraq war have moved onto more historical methods of garnering attention…
They’re refusing to pay their …

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We’re More Fond Of “Blame Canada”
  26 Mar 2007     7:19 pm

But then again, we live closer to Canada than we do to California, so when it comes to poisonous filth pouring over our borders (truer than you might think, as Michigan pays for Canadian garbage to be dumped in our injection wells–ironically, our single source of income these dreary days) like socialism, extraneous vowels, our current governor, we tend to point the blame finger north. Well, it turns out, we should be pointing west, since, ladies and gentleman, all of your problems come from California.
For Medrano, there’s only one despicable …

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But To Be Honest, Who Even Likes Tony Bennett?
  23 Mar 2007     2:31 pm

There was some light to come out of those Gore hearings. Buried under the blather about carbon neutrality and organic farming and cotton underwear and penguins getting suntans, was a quote from Roscoe Bartlett, (R-MD), who, like us tends to believe in the whole stewardship of the Earth thing, but doesn’t quite buy Al’s theory that we’re going to get swallowed alive radiation-mutated fish who are currently trapped in ice floes but won’t be when we greenhouse gas the atmosphere into a convection oven. Roscoe said, “It’s possible to be …

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Charlie Sheen Needs A Haircut
  23 Mar 2007     9:26 am

Among other things, but when reading the Posts story on him wanting to lend a voice to a Truther documentary, the first thing we could think of was that he really, desperately needs a trim. Its starting to look greasy and thats a sign that either he’s not successfully washing or he’s gone too long without a touch-up.
But anywhoo…it seems that overnight, this same man has gone from a playboy sitcom star whose most famous news analysis came when he was caught, repeatedly, with hookers and had to talk …

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