|
May 28, 2004
Memorial Day Week-End Vacation -- RWN Returns On Wed The 2nd
Once again, it's vacation time at RWN. I'll be out of town, kicking back and relaxing, for the next few days. Of course, that means there will be no updates until Wed of next week. But when I get back, I'm going to release an article that will turn the blogging world on its ear...well, if it had an ear...or even a head. Have you ever wondered what percentage of well known conservative opinion makers actually read blogs? Wouldn't you also want to know which blogs they read? Well, let's just say that on Wednesday, there's a new RWN poll coming out and you will recognize a lot of the names on it.
While I'm gone, may I suggest that you check out my advertisers listed below **** Please **** and the blogs that I'll be putting up in the daily news section later tonight. Have a fantastic week-end!
Banners
---------
Right Wing Nut
Right Wing Stuff
Vitamin USA
Blogads
---------
Larry Diedrich For Congress
Thank You Tony Blair
Button
---------
Light Cavalry
Know Thy Enemy: Al Gore By Frank J.
Everyone has heard about Al Gore's insane tirade yesterday, but is he really now so insane that's he's a menace to society? To find out, I had my crack research team find out whatever they could about the one know as Al Gore.
FUN FACTS ABOUT AL GORE
* Al Gore's father was also a U.S. Senator and his mother is a wooden plank.
* Many say Gore got his personality from his mother.
* Al Gore hugs trees because his parents never hugged him.
* Once when Al Gore was at McDonalds, the cashier accidentally gave him a large fry instead of the SuperSize™ fry he ordered. Gore then proceeded to demand the CEO resign.
* Don't let Al Gore near any elections, because he'll try and steal them.
* His programming was specifically for him to be a politician. Now that he no longer is one, he's gone rogue.
* Some say that Al Gore is an emotionless, killer cyborg, while other say he is more of an android.
* If you turn on a microwave while Al Gore is near, he'll suddenly start singing showtunes.
* Al Gore spent most of his vice presidency trying to keep Clinton away from his daughters.
* Al Gore's rage wasn't well known during the 2000 election, but it's said that sometimes he'd short circuit during the campaign trail and take out an entire town.
* Part of the reason Al Gore gave such an insane tirade yesterday is because a refrigerator magnet was stuck to his head.
* Most aren't sure why Al Gore singled out Rush Limbaugh in his recent speech, but it may be go back to the time Rush Limbaugh killed his father.
* Due to his huge obsession with porn, Al Gore invented the internet.
* During the 2000 campaign, Al Gore told a number of stories that weren’t quite true. These weren’t in fact lies, but instead the results of faulty programming in his logic cells.
* Al Gore is bullet proof but vulnerable to EMP blasts.
* Al Gore is obsessed with saving the environment. Eventually he plans to eliminate all cars to save the air and then all people.
* Al Gore was assembled in Tennessee, but has since been rejected by that state after his numerous killing sprees.
* Some say Al Gore is stiff, but he actually has a wide range of movement for a robot.
* When keeping a look out for a killer Al Gore, remember that he may have a beard.
* The only way to destroy Al Gore is to get him to chase you under a hydraulic press. It's best to keep in memory all the nearest hydraulic presses before hand.
* If his eyes glow red, that means he's about to charge. Quickly dodge to the side and then counter attack.
* In a fight between Al Gore and Aquaman, Al Gore would grapple Aquaman with his “tree hug of iron” grab, snapping Aquaman's spine.
* Rumors that Gore was designed by Honda are unfounded.
* What you don't see in the video of Gore's speech yesterday is that he slaughtered everyone in the room right after. Good for him.
If you enjoyed this satire by Frank J., you can read more of his work at IMAO.
George Bush's Wildly Successful War On Terrorism
Lately, it seems that not a day can pass without Nancy Pelosi, Ted Kennedy, Al Gore, John Kerry and their ideological soul mates in the mainstream media making acerbic comments about how the Bush administration has handled the war on terrorism. For those of us who disagree with them, it is easy enough to "attack the attackers" and many people, myself included, have done exactly that. However, in and of itself, that is not an adequate response. Instead of debating whether or not the war on terror has been a failure, the truth, that war on terror has been an overwhelming success so far, must be told.
Despite what we hear daily from the "nattering nabobs of negativity" in our country, we should be proud of the magnificent job that George W. Bush, his administration, our troops, and our intelligence services have done fighting the war on terrorism. In perhaps the two most perfectly executed military campaigns ever waged on this earth, our troops smashed the Taliban and Saddam Hussein's regime, freeing 50 million people from tyrants who had made the lives of their people into a living hell. (Cont)
May 27, 2004
Che Guevara: Vile Commie
 Yesterday, the New York Times ran a puff piece on that murderous commie swine, Che Guevara. Just get a load of the opening to article...
"Che Guevara is widely remembered today as a revolutionary figure; to some a heroic, Christ-like martyr, to others the embodiment of a failed ideology. To still others, he is just a commercialized emblem on a T-shirt."
"(T)o some a heroic, Christ-like martyr"? Che Guevara? Could they have at least added, "but those people are either ignorant college kids who don't know any better or Noam Chomsky clones who can't go more than 5 minutes without talking about how much they hate America?"
Here are a few other lines from this nauseating piece...
"To the younger, post-cold-war generation of Latin Americans, Che stands up as the perennial Icarus, a self-immolating figure who represents the romantic tragedy of youth," he added. "Their Che is not just a potent figure of protest, but the idealistic, questioning kid who exists in every society and every time."
"...Che Guevara's heroic image on a poster protesting the Iraq war."
...""That's what happens with icons," said José Rivera, a Puerto Rican playwright and screenwriter who wrote the screenplay for the movie. "They are recycled and made to wear the clothes of a new generation that is discovering them. We're not in the 60's anymore, so Che will not have the same power he had back then, and we will have to discover him in a new way."
Hey, since people are discovering Che Guevara in a "new way," how about we try examining him the way Mona Charen did in her superb book "Useful Idiots: How Liberals Got It Wrong in the Cold War and Still Blame America First". Here are a few details that most people may not know about that idealistic icon, Che Guevara...
"Che Guevara was a cruel fanatic. After Castro made him a commander of a resistance unit, he gained a reputation for harshness. A young boy in his unit was caught stealing a bit of food. Without a trial, the boy was shot on Che's orders. After the revolution's success, Che became state prosecutor. In perfect repetition of the Soviet model, he carried out death sentences on many men, including former comrades who refused to shed their belief in democracy. Guevara also holds the distinction of establishing Cuba's first forced labor camp. In his will, he praised the "extremely useful hatred that turns men into effective, violent, merciless, and cold killing machines."
What a fantastic guy, huh? What a "hero" for this generation to emulate. A communist who had his brothers in arms slaughtered by the state for wanting Democracy. And helping to turn Cuba into the hellhole it is today? That's something to be proud of isn't it?
Che Guevara was a vile piece of communist garbage and quite frankly, it doesn't speak well of your character to wear a shirt with his face on it or for that matter, to write a puff piece about him.
Reason #456554 Why This Country Needs School Vouchers
Meet Courtney Glowczewski, a 13 year old kid with a small right arm and leg because of cerebral palsy. You can easily imagine how tough that would be for anyone to deal with, especially a 13 year old kid. But Courtney doesn't sound like the type of person who's using her disability as an excuse. To the contrary, Courtney gets good grades...
"I do really good in my classes. My teachers tell me, 'Good job,' and, 'You're doing very good,' and 'Excellent girl,'" said Glowczewski."
However, unsurprisingly in this day and age, Courtney has been getting bullied. But she has dealt with it best she could, until things got way, way, out of hand...
"'Last week, she said the bullying got worse when she said she was threatened and assaulted by a seventh-grade boy.
"He pulled out a knife, a silver knife, a pocket knife, and then he said 'What!?' So I was scared and didn't know what to do," said Glowczewski.
As she walked to her seat she smelled smoke and one of her classmates was patting her hard on the back.
"I looked and there was a black spot on the back of my shirt. And then I saw some black hair falling from my hair," said Glowczewski.
Her hair was on fire and the other student said that she was trying to help put it out."
What was done to Courtney Glowczewski wasn't just despicable, it was a crime. The kid who did that do her deserved not just to be expelled, but to be arrested.
So what actually happened to this knife wielding thug who set Courtney Glowczewski on fire? Apparently, nothing of significance. And Courtney Glowczewski? She was told not to come back to school!
"Sherrie Glowczewski was outraged when she was told by the administration at Martin Luther King that her daughter didn't need to come back and not to worry about the tests.
"I just wanted to go to a school that doesn't make fun of me. I wanted to be treated with respect," Glowczewski said, crying.
...I have no idea what they've done. That's why I want to speak to her. I want to know what happened to (the bullying suspect) and what's going on in that school," said Sherrie Glowczewski.
KMGH-TV discovered that while Glowczewski was sent home, her alleged attacker is still in school, even though administrators confirmed he had a knife.
The principal has now admitted her staff did not call police, did not interview potential witnesses and did not conduct a proper investigation.
"He shouldn't come back in school. I should be in school taking my education and it's not fair," said Glowczewski."
To call that disgraceful and an outrageous is an understatement. What sort of school in effect punishes handicapped children for being assaulted while letting their attacker continue to go to school?
Not only does Courtney Glowczewski deserve better than that, her peers who are being forced to go to school with that animal deserve better than that. It's just another reason why we need vouchers in this country. Why shouldn't Courtney Glowczewski be able to simply go to another school where kids don't make fun of her, where she'll be treated with respect, where the teachers and the principal side with decent, law abiding, kids instead of knife wielding firebugs? If we had school vouchers in this country, kids who have been failed by our public education system, kids like Courtney Glowczewski, could get the education and the respect that they deserve.
Hail To Thee, [Name of College] By Iowahawk
Thank you, President [insert name here], honored graduates, esteemed faculty, indebted parents and fidgety, watch-monitoring guests. It is indeed a great honor and privilege to speak to you today, as [name of college] is widely known as “the Athens of [local area]” and “the Cradle of [typical profession of employed alumni]s.”
I am also honored because I am the number one fan of the [school nickname]s. And how ‘bout those [school nickname]s? I don’t think I will ever forget their amazing run during the [sport] season. If it wasn’t for the distraction of the [describe scandal] and those trumped-up charges of [type of felonies] against [names of players, boosters, coaches, administrators], I think they could have gone all the way! But at least it didn’t happen to the men’s team.
Graduates, you stand today on a great cusp, the cusp on the edge of the gaping crevasse of the future, standing ready to plummet into that adventure I like to call “tomorrow.” It must seem like only yesterday that you came to [name of college], a naïve and unsure campus newcomer, fresh from a suburban high school ritual beating ceremony. And now, four to ten years and $150,000 later, you are a mature adult and ready to take on the world.
Make no mistake, [name of college] has prepared you well for this challenge. Whether it was attending mandatory sensitivity training, or watching Michael Moore movies in English Lit class, your [name of college] experience has armed you for the “real world.” For what is “real,” really? Is not “reality” an artificial social construct created by the ruling patriarchy, to manufacture consent among the masses? Duh!
Yes, graduates, as you leave the hallowed halls of [name of college], you are poised to achieve, and create, and clean, great things.
Those of you graduating from the College of Science and Engineering will blaze new paths in technology, creating mechanical marvels that will earn you vast fortunes with which you will assemble a harem of international supermodels and use to extract sweet, sweet revenge on the beer-swilling fraternity swine that have made your time here a four-year hellish vortex of torment and isolation. Or perhaps you will fester in a cubicle for a few years, burn out and start a comic book shop.
Graduates of the College of Law, you will wage a relentless battle to win equal justice for the voiceless and downtrodden, applying the machinery of democracy and politics to make ours a better society. Or maybe you can tell yourselves this as a distraction from the excruciating pain, as the sulfurous flames of Satan sear your flesh for all eternity.
Graduates of the College of Medicine, you will develop miraculous new treatments to heal the afflicted and bring comfort to the suffering, and also sign H12(1c) insurance reimbursement voucher forms. With patience, skill and determination, you may eventually discover an important new country club with a challenging back nine, and successfully defend some of the many, many malpractice suits that will be brought against you by the Law School graduates.
Graduates of the College of Business, you will grasp their reigns of America’s mighty economic engine, using your strategic acumen and analytic skills to create wealth and shareholder value. Later on, when it turns out you may have slightly fudged a little about just how much wealth and shareholder value you actually created, you can blame it on your already-budding drinking problem, and plea bargain your way to that low security lockup in Colorado with tennis facilities.
Graduates of the College of Liberal Arts, you will embark on an important journey of self-discovery and truth seeking. This will abruptly end when your parents decide they would rather spend their money on their own journey, to Arizona, in a Winnebago. After taking the GREs, twice, you will continue this sacred truth-journey in graduate school, and you will eventually discover the surprising truth that HotJobs.com has very few listings for Lacanian deconstructionists. After your M.A. graduation you will suffer the humiliation of working at Starbucks, but at least it has health insurance, and you can secretly sneer at the petit bourgeois customers and their pathetic ignorance of Noam Chomsky and Howard Zinn.
Graduates of the College of Education, you have been given the sacred responsibility of transferring knowledge to the next generation of children. You have also been given the sacred duty to pay your NEA dues. Other sacred duties include memorizing your local collective bargaining contract and reporting all violations to your local union rep. Oh, and yeah, there is the other sacred duty to lobby and picket as instructed by the local foreman. And, if anybody asks you anything, it’s "for the children." Kapische?
Graduates of the Journalism School, you will write the first draft of history. Or, if the deadline’s really tight, maybe you can download various pieces of the first draft of history from Google and then put your name on it. As a member of the fourth estate you are the nation’s watchdog, and corrupt businessmen and politicians will fear your mighty CTRL-C, CTRL-V. You will be scrupulously fair and unbiased and follow the story wherever it leads, as long as it won’t end up giving ammo to right wing weirdos. While journalism jobs continue to decline, take heart in the fact that yours is a noble calling in which nobody really checks your resume, especially at the New York Times.
As I look out upon you, today’s graduates, your faces aglow with tomorrow's bright promise and this morning’s Jagermeister shots, I cannot help but remember my own college days. All sixty-two of them. Oh, what folderol and frivol we had! Driving to pinafore raids in my raccoon-fur jalopy, stuffing goldfish into phone booths, Rudy Valley on the Victorola, and also the constant amphetamine abuse. These “fads” must sound very “corny” and “squaresville” to you now, but believe me, as I recall it, these were very "23 Skidoo" back in the good old nineteen eighties.
Yes, times have changed. Today, you are more likely to play funky boogie ‘Hop Hip’ 78s on your dormitory phonographs, fill your hip-flask with ‘reefer pills’, and engage in the latest wacky campus fads like suicidal alienation and “computers.” Yet, your dreams and the dreams of my generation are in many respects the same. Just like you, we dreamt of creating a better world; learning our place in the cosmos; getting our freak on with the pompon squad. Years later these dreams, or at least one or two, can still burn bright.
I would encourage you to keep your dreams alive, for they may eventually come true. For example, I long ago dreamt of owning my own professional lawn maintenance business, employing dozens of hardworking crewpersons, pushing mowers and busily clearing driveways with leaf blowers. For more than 15 years I scrimped and saved and worked for this goal. And, just yesterday, I finally received the bank loan for the equipment. [wait for applause]
In conclusion, I would like to invite all English graduates to drop their resumes at the brown Ford pickup parked in front of [name of dormitory]. And thank you, [name of college] for making my dream come true.
If you enjoyed this satire by Iowahawk, you can read more of his work here.
Thanks Jas!
One of RWN's readers from Florida, Jas, sent me a $60 Amazon gift certificate because she said she enjoyed reading the page for the last couple of years.
Well Jas, I thought you might like to know what I spent the money on.
I grabbed a copy of "WWE SmackDown! Here Comes the Pain" for my PS2. I've been planning to purchase that since it came out and it was great to finally get it.
I also picked up a copy of "Dumb & Dumber" on DVD for my mother, because for some unfathomable reason, she really loves that movie.
Last but not least, I also purchased "Vision of the Anointed" by Thomas Sowell and "The Rage and The Pride" by Oriana Fallaci.
Much thanks Jas, I really appreciate the gift certificate!
If Only Liberals Hated Terrorists The Way They Hate George W. Bush...
An infuriated Al Gore gave an anti-Bush speech yesterday and I think this picture will tell you just about everything you need to know about it...
If only we could transfer the towering hate and rage left-wingers like Al Gore & Howard Dean feel towards Republicans to the terrorists who want to kill us all, our country would be better off.
But instead, most people on the American left seem to be totally apathetic about terrorists. Read most left-wing blogs, peruse the columns of famous leftie columnists, hell, listen to people like Ted Kennedy, Nancy Pelosi, and "Baghdad" Jim McDermott and you'll find terrorism is little more than another political issue to them. Other than a few oft noted exceptions like Christopher Hitchens and Joe Lieberman, the average left-wingers only bring up the war on terrorism when they want to...
1) Talk about how opposed they are to it.
2) Use it to attack America.
3) Try to pin something on George Bush and the GOP.
The old Truman - Kennedy - Scoop Jackson style Democrats who were sober minded and serious about the defense of this country are rare as hen's teeth these day. They have, for the most part, been replaced with wrathful demagogues who can spend an hour telling you why Bush is a Fascist, Nazi, hatemongering, monster while simultaneously coming up with every excuse in the book to avoid taking action against terrorists who spend their nights dreaming about making mushroom clouds appear over New York & LA.
Show these people a video of George Bush doing or saying just about anything and they'll get so angry that they'll practically froth at the mouth. Then show them a video of Al-Qaeda sawing Danny Pearl's head off or talking about how they want to kill millions of Americans and the same people will give a bloodless condemnation and segue into an attack on Bush, Republicans, or America itself.
For the most part, liberals have been worse than dead weight in the war on terrorism. In their zeal to attack Bush and other Republicans, they've gotten so carried away that they've in effect turned into a giant PR agency for America's enemies, including Al-Qaeda.
I'm sure that'll make a lot of left-wingers out there indignant, but when you oppose every measure designed to defeat terrorism, minimize American successes in the war terrorism, grossly overplay mistakes, attempt to undermine the war, and claim the President is a Nazi who's crusading for oil, you're making it easier for terrorists to put Americans in body-bags.
Too bad stopping the terrorists who live to murder Americans seems to be much less important than making political gains to much of the left today...
May 26, 2004
Frank Suggestions on Using Less Gas By Frank J.
Gas prices are at a record high right now (if you don't factor in inflation or count other countries), so I thought as a public service I'd list some ways to save gas while getting where you need to go.
Walk
PROS: No costly equipment needed. Powered by renewable fuel source.
CONS: No civilized man has used walking as transportation since the days of the caveman.
Use Public Transportation
PROS: Use less fuel per capita by riding together.
CONS: Probably get mugged or stabbed... or just wish you were.
Drive a Small, Fuel-Efficient Car
PROS: Keep the convenience of a car while using less fuel.
CONS: Why don't you just give up and move to France while you're at it.
Drive an Electric Car
PROS: Uses no gasoline. Quiet.
CONS: After nine hours of charging, it has a range of about eight miles.
Drive a Hybrid Car
PROS: Uses less fuel by combining electricity with gasoline.
CONS: A relatively new technology, so no scientist has been able to show how it causes cancer yet.
Ride a Horse Drawn Chariot
PROS: Look extremely regal as you stand while riding through town. Especially a great way of transportation if you like whipping animals.
CONS: Crashes can be extremely hazardous if someone sticks something in your spokes. I'd only ride one if it has a rollover bar.
Trade Blood for Oil
PROS: You keep making more blood, so why not trade it for the gas you need.
CONS: Some gas station won't accept blood in trade and thus have a "No Blood for Oil!" sign out front.
Drive a Solar Powered Car
PROS: The power of the sun is free... for now.
CONS: As for what you do at night or on a cloudy day, I have no idea.
Drive a Coal Powered Car
PROS: Uses cheap, clean coal.
CONS: Shoveling coal while driving is almost as distracting as talking on the phone. With the open flame there, you may need a drink to calm your nerves.
Ride a Dog Sled
PROS: Dogs are happy animals and the friends of man.
CONS: Will need to cause some sort of new Ice Age to be able to use a dog sled anywhere... which is harder than it sounds. May chase after people in cat sleds.
Fly a Zeppelin
PROS: You will be master of the skies. Achtung!
CONS: Just don't smoke near the... Oh! The humanity!
Replace Car Engine with a Hamster in a Wheel
PROS: Will get you about the same horsepower as a Geo Metro with no gasoline.
CONS: Need to keep replacing wood shavings in the engine to keep down the smell. If your engine dies on you, not much you can do without advanced skills in necromancy.
Ride a Segway
PROS: High-tech gyro keeps you upright as you speed down the sidewalks.
CONS: Riding one, you'll look like a complete goober... a complete goober from the future!
Ride a Bobcat with a Saddle on It
PROS: Quite exotic and will certainly turn heads.
CONS: Angry.
Use a Transporter
PROS: Instantaneous travel gets rid of commute time.
CONS: If a fly gets in there with you, you will become a hideous mutant that looks like Jeff Goldblum. If a monkey sneaks in there with you, that could be the start of the planet of the apes.
Use a Rubber Hose and a Breath Mint
PROS: Can keep driving your SUV for little cost.
CONS: None... as long as no one is watching. And make sure to use the breath mint after you get the gasoline.
If you enjoyed this satire by Frank J., you can read more of his work at IMAO.
What I'm Listening To Right Now
Just for entertainment's sake, here is what I'm listening to right now....
Dr. Dre & Ice Cube -- Natural Born Killers
Fozzy -- Stay Hungry
House Of Pain -- Boom Shalock Lock Boom
Insane Clown Posse -- Let's Go All The Way
Insane Clown Posse -- Boogie Woogie Wu
Gravity Kills -- Goodbye
Kid Rock -- American Bad@ss
Motley Crue -- Helter Skelter
Nelly -- #1
Nelly, P. Diddy, Murphy Lee -- Shake Your Tailfeather
Nine Inch Nails -- Closer
NWA -- Straight Outta Compton
Ok Go -- Get Over It
Outkast -- Bombs Over Baghdad
Papa Roach -- Last Resort
Phunk Junkees -- I Wanna Hear It Loud
Queen -- The Highlander Theme
Quiet Riot -- Cum On Feel The Noize
Rage Against The Machine -- The Ghost Of Tom Joad
Rob Zombie -- Dragula
The Democratic Underground Post Of They Day: Terrorist Attacks Are No Threat & Really Dangerous
Today at the Democratic Underground, a website so typical of left-wing thinking that John Kerry himself links to it on his official blog, the lefties are freaking out about the terror alerts. Not because they're worried about terror mind you, but because they think it's some sort of eeeeeevvvvviiiiillllll Bush plot. Here are just a few threads to give you an idea of what I'm talking about...
-- TERROR ALERT: If you don’t think the BFEE (Bush Family Evil Empire) is capable of bombing our own
-- Bush is down in the polls.....time for a terror alert.......yawn!
-- The real reason for the terrorist allert
-- Here we go... "THEY ARE HERE". Prepare for US elections suspension
-- Terror alert is damage control for the Mayfield scandal
So the idea that Al-Qaeda could hit us with a terrorist attack is so unlikely, so laughable, so far fetched, that it's practically impossible. In fact, if Bush is even putting the idea out there, it must mean that he wants to distract people or even plans to actually engineer the attack himself.
Meanwhile, John Kerry is claiming that we're underfunding Homeland Security. Well, why to need to spend anymore money on Homeland Security? There's no threat from Al-Qaeda? That's what we seem to be hearing from the folks at the Democratic Underground isn't it?
But of course, we all know that if Al-Qaeda does launch a successful attack against the US this summer, the very same people who thought this terror attack was a joke will blame George Bush personally for not stopping them.
That is what the MAJORITY of the American left has come to where the war on terrorism is concerned folks. No principles, nothing they're willing to stand for, no care beyond lip service for the soldiers risking their lives or the hundreds of thousands of civilians here at home who could be murdered by terrorists, they're just consumed with pure, naked, political opportunism.
To people like John Kerry, Al Gore, Ted Kennedy, Nancy Pelosi and the rest of the DU crowd, stopping terrorism is just a political football to kick around, nothing more, nothing less.
Joke Of The Day: The Lie-Clocks
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the pearly gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked St. Peter, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man. "Whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." replied St. Peter
"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's John Kerry's clock?" asked the man.
"Kerry's clock is in God's office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
Hat tip to the Barking Moonbat Early Warning System for posting this one first
***Update #1***: Joke of the day #2
Dear Abby,
I am a crack dealer in Beaumont, Texas who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of HIV virus. My parents live in Fort Worth and one of my sisters, who lives in Pflugerville, is married to a transvestite.
My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana. They are financially dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Dallas. I have two brothers, one is currently serving a non-parole life sentence at Huntsville for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. My other brother is currently in jail awaiting charges of sexual misconduct with his three children.
I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives in Longview, She is a part time "working girl". All things considered, my problem is this. I love my fiance' and look forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be totally open and honest with her.
Should I tell her about my cousin who supports John Kerry for President?
Signed,
Worried About My Reputation
Hat tip to DANEgerus Weblog for this joke.
May 25, 2004
18,000 Members Of Al-Qaeda? Hogwash
Everywhere I've turned today, I keep running across the same bogus claim that Al-Qaeda has 18,000 members. That number comes from a report by a British think tank called the International Institute of Strategic Studies.
So how did the "super geniuses" at the International Institute of Strategic Studies determine that there are 18,000 potential members of Al-Qaeda running around? Could they have somehow gotten their hands on secret Al-Qaeda documents? Did their "contacts" at intelligence agencies around the world provide it to them? Is it possible that they have some sort of super computer that figured this up?
No, it's nothing like that. Basically, they used a technique known to college students all over the world. Yes, that's right, the International Institute of Strategic Studies for all intents and purposes "pulled the numbers out of their butts". Here are more detail from an article entitled "al-Qaida Ranks Swelling Worldwide" (which is by the way typical of how this news has been portrayed on the web today)...
"The IISS said its estimate of 18,000 al-Qaida fighters was based on intelligence estimates that the group trained at least 20,000 fighters in its camps in Afghanistan before the United States and its allies ousted the Taliban regime. In the ensuing war on terror, some 2,000 al-Qaida fighters have been killed or captured, the survey said."
First of all, I could note that back in Jan of 2004, in an article by The Economist, it was said that...
"Globally, more than 3,000 al-Qaeda operatives have been (as the Americans put it) 'incapacitated'."
So are their numbers right? I doubt it, given that the IISS was peddling almost this exact same line of hogwash a YEAR AGO. Here's a May 14, 2003 story from the Guardian...
"They have captured or killed 10 "senior leaders" as well as some 2,000 rank and file members, the institute says. That left a "rump" leadership of around 20 and some 18,000 jihadists who had been through al-Qaida training camps in Afghanistan."
Ah, what a life the clowns who work for this think tank must lead. I can just imagine them sitting around for a year, eating Cheetos and drinking Mountain Dew, and then figuring out that it's time for another yearly report.
"Just dress up last year's report a little bit and no one will even notice" someone says, and as far as the mainstream press goes, that appears to be the case.
But, putting that aside, how in the world could anyone with a brain in their head believe that every single person who went through an Al Qaeda training camp are all sitting around in cave somewhere to get their jihad on. What, former members of Al-Qaeda can't get out of the business, go straight, get arrested for things not related to terrorism, get sick or killed, etc, etc? Apparently, the "finest minds" at the International Institute of Strategic Studies don't think so. And the mainstream media? They're eating it up hook, line, and sinker.
Reuters Refuses To Acknowledge That WMD Have Been Found In Iraq?
It's bad enough that the mainstream media hasn't given the discovery of artillery shells in Iraq, one filled with sarin and the other containing traces of mustard gas, anywhere near the attention that it deserves. But, in this story about Hussain Shahristani, the man who may be the premier of a new interim Iraqi government, Reuters refuses to even acknowledge that WMD have now been found in Iraq...
"In a February 2003 interview on CNN, Shahristani said the Iraqi president was hiding weapons of mass destruction underneath the ground in tunnels.
Bush cited Saddam's weapons of mass destruction as a prime reason for the Iraq war but none have been found."
Now Reuters can downplay the importance of those artillery shells if they like, despite the fact that it's now an open question as to whether they're from larger stockpiles somewhere that have perhaps remained undiscovered by coalition forces because the shells are unmarked. However, even Reuters shouldn't be denying the very existence of WMDs in Iraq at this point.Heck, Fox ran a story confirming that sarin had been found back on the 19th, so how can careless with the facts, well at least facts that might help George Bush, is Reuters being if they're still getting it wrong six days later?
The Top Ten Suggested Lines For Bush's Iraq Speech Last Night By Frank J.
10. "For those who say this war is excessive, I propose a twenty percent reduction in the size of Ted Kennedy's head and a hundred percent reduction in the sounds coming out of it."
9. "I'll hand over Iraq when they leggo my Eggo."
8. "For those who are vehemently opposed to the war in Iraq, I have this to say to them: I will kill you and your family."
7. "It wasn't like Iraq was going to invade itself."
6. "That mean man Saddam tried to kill my daddy, so I got him good!"
5. "France was really opposed to us invading Iraq, so you know some good would have to come of it."
4. "I assure you that Iraq will become a full-fledged democracy instead of a quasi-dictatorship like Canada."
3. "The war has actually been going very well; we just didn't realize that Iraq would be so d@mn full of Iraqis."
2. "As for my opinion on Abu Grahib, I never looked at the pictures because I'm not a pervert. Why? Did you look at them?"
And the number one suggested line for Bush's Iraq speech...
1. "I was only doing what Cheney and thus Halliburton was telling me to do; go talk to them."
If you enjoyed this satire from Frank J., you can read more of his work at IMAO.
Have There Ever Been Reports Of Aliens Stealing From Abductees?
Boy, did I luck up or what when I ran across the kook website called the Above Top Secret forums? I mean how long has it been since I did an edition of ACPOTI (Anyone Can Post On The Internet) that focused on a bunch of nutjobs babbling about how demons, aliens, and the Bible are all tied together? Well, the drought is over because this thread entitled "Aliens or Demonic Incarnations" is full some of the loopiest foofernacle and hooberjuble that I've ever seen. I hope enjoy their preposterous palaver as much as I did...
---
Here's a question for the ages: do aliens steal your stuff when they're abducting you?
porque Do Aliens steal? Hi everyone, I've been reading this board for a while and I only joined recently because I wanted to ask a question...Have there ever been reports of aliens stealing from abductees? I often wake up in the middle of the night for no reason and cannot fall back asleep; a couple of months ago for a while I had constant nosebleeds every day/night for about a week, then all at once they went away and I haven't had one since...
But back to the point, the reason I pose this question is because recently I awoke in the middle of the night(for no reason) without the sheet on my bed, with the my heavy blanket sprawled on the ground. After asking everyone in my house and searching all over my room/house, I still can't find it! Does anybody have any idea about what I should think?
---
This exchange was just too priceless to exclude...
Carvador Well, I think that demons could appear as aliens. I mean, how else could they appear besides as humans and influence you? If they appear as demons, you'll know it. If as humans, they would have to spend a large amount of time with you, as it is quite often we come in to contact with other human beings, to have any affect on you. Perhaps as aliens they are able to get a cult following much easier, which is what they want: to deceive and corrupt us.
Spiderj: I can understand what you're saying about demons turning into aliens because you would listen to an alien before you would trust a demon. but, why would they change into aliens.
Honestly, if one of those buggers made itself look like Jennifer Love Hewitt and appeared in my room and told me to do something, I probably would faster than I would listen to an alien.
If they can look like anything they want, why aliens?
I understand the cult thing, always easier to get people to worship something amazing. No one is going to come and listen to the teachings of Bob, but Bob the alien channeler has a shot, so I see your point.
But someone who believes in demons and aliens is also someone who believes in the possiblity of other things as well.
So why not appear as a Dragon or an elf or green man or even one of the power rangers.
If they're demons why choose aliens as their form. WOuldn't you be a lot less scared if (guys) an elf that looked like liv tyler or (ladies) orlando bloom appeared before your bed and said come with me I have important things to discuss with you.
Come on, that's a lot more relaxing and awe invoking then a creepy little grey fella with scoliosis.
---
Here's something they don't cover in Sunday School...
Son of the lost maji: Yea i think aliens are demonic in nature, there always seems to be a connection between them and Marian appearances throughout the world. i dont trust them. accoriding to the mj12 doc's they claimed they made Jesus by artificialy inseminating Mary. Many of the "gods" the ancients worshipped in the Old Testament, Beezelbub, Mammon, were reported by their followers to be actual beings from somewhere else. Rule by Secrecy by Jim Marrs has some info on this, 12th planet as well
---
Here's another uh...interesting perspective...
Ycon: I agree with CommonSense. Aliens were created by fallen angels and demons possessed them. These many different alien species like greys, reptoids and the others, are all from the same source. There have been a few cases where religious people were abducted and either prayed or cast out the demons in the name of Jesus and they were able to get away. I believe some abductions are done by the military for many different reasons. Chip implants, experimentation, DNA/bloodlines.
What I don't believe is that they were created in other worlds, they may have left earth at some point and are returning. Some have been here for a very long time.
---
Demons, dolls, and unknown things in holes? It sounds like a pretty good "B" movie to me...
marg6043: demonic incarnations. Thanks for the comment Commun sense. Now can this aliens or demons go into non living things like dolls? when my daughte was 6, one day she came running from her room screaming that her dolls were talking to her, she said that everytime she arranged the dolls one way they will be on another position the next, she refuse to sleep with them in the room and I had to remove them and put them away, she is 20 now and she still remembers that incident. Now the house was a very old military house and later I found out that most of the people around were having problems with their children too. a year later we move to another house on the same base and she never had another incident, I forgot to said my son use to have bad dreams in the same house, that it was a hole under his bed and someone was calling him from it he was 4 at the time?
May 24, 2004
Democrats Counting Their Chickens Before They're Hatched...
Just a little note for the Democrats and the media, you're drinking a little too much of your own bathwater right now. Bush's press coverage has been as bad as it gets for about two months now, I'm hearing about how conservatives are divided, Bush's approval numbers are lower that ever and the left is so confident that they're writing articles like this...
Bush can't win this election now. Kerry can only lose it
Six months out -- The presidential race is a dead heat. Is it Kerry's to lose?
But, if we examine the number in more detail,they tell a different story.
Remember that Bush won in 2000, 271-267. Since then, the Bush states added +7 electoral votes and the states Gore carried in 2000 lost 7 electoral votes. So, if their were no changes from the 2000 election, we'd be at Bush 278 electoral votes and Kerry at 260.
Now, according to the Real Clear Politics Battleground States Polling Data, here are the states that have changed hands according to the latest polls (Arkansas which was a tie, was not counted)....
Kerry Adds
-------------
Ohio: +20
New Hampshire: +4
Bush Adds
------------
Michigan: +17
Oregon: +7
New Mexico: +5
Note, that if the election were today, not only would Bush win again, he'd win by a larger margin. Bush also has much more money, a later convention, the situation in Iraq has already improved significantly from last month, and polling data shows voters are dramatically underestimating how good the economy is.
While I certainly wouldn't suggest that Republicans get overconfident, Bush, not Kerry, is in the stronger position right now...
Moore Film Captures French, Arab Awards By Scott Ott
After the stunning triumph of Michael Moore's Fahrenheit 9/11 at the Cannes Film Festival in France, the winner of the coveted Palme d'Or headed to the Gulf state of Qatar to accept another best film award from Al Jazeera.
The Arab network's Palme d'Tree award recognizes Mr. Moore's anti-Bush documentary as a "stunning journalistic and artistic achievement which is all the more amazing because of the oppressive government under which it was produced."
"That someone could make a film like this in America, under the iron fist of the Bush-Cheney administration, demonstrates a kind of courage unknown and unnecessary in the free Arab film industry," according to the official news release from the Al Jazeera Film Festival.
Fahrenheit 9/11 edged out top Arab-produced films including, The Mighty Eternal House of Saud, Zarqawi: Hero of Modern Islam, and Elegy for a Brother: Tribute to Saddam Hussein.
Mr. Moore said he's delighted to receive recognition from both France and the Arab world in the same week, and that he hoped it would inspire other Americans to "rise up and overthrow the Bush regime and thus win freedom of expression for other documentarists."
If you enjoyed this satire by Scott Ott, you can read more of his work at Scrappleface.
Mainstream Media Magazine
If there was such a thing as a mainstream media magazine, it might look something like this...
|
